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Caresst
How did this happen?
Sunday. 2.6.05 3:22 pm
watching: music video to the same
listening to: Sondre Lerche "No One's Gonna Come"
mood: bothered

So I've been a bit emotionally turmoiled these past couple weeks. I've been having very strong, very strange dreams, and I'm bothering my friends with my restless unfocus and desire to be with them. I feel things changing, or something coming, and I want to be with my friends but I'm so antsy that I bother them. Or that's how I feel. I'm being myself, but it's not the comfortable self that they're familiar with. Anyways, that worries me, but I suppose that's more of a selfish worry than anything. I wrote a poem that says what all I'm really worried about. The person described in the poem is my dad, whom I love very much. He's probably the one I worry most about when I think about things changing in my life. Normally I'd put a poem in the reading section, but since the poem is really more of a journal cry than a poem I'm putting it here. Just so you know.

The way you laugh and drop your eyes
Or hold my glance in horrored surprise
The hunch of your shoulders, the rhythm of breath
They fill me with dread in the approach of death

You answer the phone with pleasure contained
But talk with me honestly and unrestrained
No judgements passed, no action demanded
Just, “I don’t know, sweetie,” unreprimanded

The death that I fear is not mortal or real
It’s the loss of what is and what I now feel
When everything changes and I go away
What will we do to keep things this way?

What can we do? Anything? What happens then?
What if and wherefore and when will it end?
My tears I will slow because time I cannot
You want me to live though I want it to stop
The past’s been so good and the present so nice
That I’m scared of the shake and the roll of the dice
Is it fate that unwinds my strand?
Or is someone there holding my path and my hand?

I’m not afraid of the dark, not afraid of the crows,
Not scared of the pain or oncoming blows,
No alarm for opinions or other derision,
Not frightened by problems or indecision,
But I’m scared to change and to lose in one night
What I’ve lived for and loved, what has been my delight
A change is approaching, I feel it within
It’s twisting my stomach and singeing my skin
My eyes in terror are watching the skies
As though I’ll see it approach and stop its rise
Pains grip my sides and I lash out in fear
I trouble my friends
And I wish it would end
But the labor’s begun
And it won’t end til it’s done
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